Is My Heart Unconscience?

I was recently thinking about how to get my life going again after homeschooling for ten years. I started in that direction last year as I pursued a renewed teaching certificate, started back to graduate school again, and researched the web continiously but nothing sounds fun. I am stuck I feel. I am not sure in what. I really do not want to go back to the classroom and be stuck their all day. I am so use to leaving and going whenever I want to and seeing my family when I want too. Giving all that up is just too painful. Do I really have to give it up?...Is there a way? I am looking. No results yet. The world is getting ancy as I slowly pursue something. Questions are asked...thoughts are being thunk...ha....but still I sit. My heart seems to be unconscience. I seem to be losing my family, my identity, my sense, and even my figure as the years pass. The forties are hard for me. The thirties however were hard too. I don't seem to be enjoying getting older. The twenties were the best. I really really need to live again. I really really want to live again ---I think... Just needed to think tonight. Just needed to journal. Just needed to unclog the thinker and find a few small sane ideas, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. When your family is not sharing their heart with you as much as they use to, then maybe you should examine your own heart. I feel as though I am there. My heart is unconscience most hours of the day. It is awaken mostly by a touching movie...maybe that is why I like movies. It is there that I can feel my heart again. Healing in my heart needs to happen so that I can awaken and endure the needed therapy to get back on track to live as intended. Then when I die, maybe people will be able to say that I finally really lived even after the thirties and forties. Please heart awaken....