Is My Heart Unconscience?

I was recently thinking about how to get my life going again after homeschooling for ten years. I started in that direction last year as I pursued a renewed teaching certificate, started back to graduate school again, and researched the web continiously but nothing sounds fun. I am stuck I feel. I am not sure in what. I really do not want to go back to the classroom and be stuck their all day. I am so use to leaving and going whenever I want to and seeing my family when I want too. Giving all that up is just too painful. Do I really have to give it up?...Is there a way? I am looking. No results yet. The world is getting ancy as I slowly pursue something. Questions are asked...thoughts are being thunk...ha....but still I sit. My heart seems to be unconscience. I seem to be losing my family, my identity, my sense, and even my figure as the years pass. The forties are hard for me. The thirties however were hard too. I don't seem to be enjoying getting older. The twenties were the best. I really really need to live again. I really really want to live again ---I think... Just needed to think tonight. Just needed to journal. Just needed to unclog the thinker and find a few small sane ideas, thoughts, emotions, and feelings. When your family is not sharing their heart with you as much as they use to, then maybe you should examine your own heart. I feel as though I am there. My heart is unconscience most hours of the day. It is awaken mostly by a touching movie...maybe that is why I like movies. It is there that I can feel my heart again. Healing in my heart needs to happen so that I can awaken and endure the needed therapy to get back on track to live as intended. Then when I die, maybe people will be able to say that I finally really lived even after the thirties and forties. Please heart awaken....

Waiting for Family Life

Hi! Yes, another day in the life of a homeschool mom. Moods go from one teenager to the next. When can they both love each other and accept the cards that have been dealt them? Today, was a day that the thought of "braces" triggered resentment in one teenager. I brought it up at breakfast and the mood was changed for the rest of the day. Moods - what are they? Today, they are sin. Tomorrow, they may be righteousness. Yesterday, who knows? They come from words - thoughts - lies - MOOD - words - thoughts - lies - MOOD...... What are we letting words tell us? What are we letting insane, out of control people tell us? They come in all forms - Christian, non-Christian, etc...... I look at the influences that are coming into my life and my childrens life and it is disturbing. Where ever they are they are influenced by words - thoughts - lies - MOOD....... I try to find examples - most days I can't find any......the sad thing about it is ....not even I am an example. I thought about the Christian people we are around . My children do not hear encouraging words. We want to cut each other down so people will laugh at US and so WE get the attention. It makes me sick and disgusted. We as Christians have gotten pulled into a rotten world and live by the same rules of relationship that guides the non-Christian community. I am so tired of fighting this battle at home. I am praying for an awakening of our family to understand about why we say what we say and why we think what we think and why we live how we live - out of community and out of fellowship. It is JUST not right. We don't live in community because someone might say something that is not encouraging and because we don't know how to encourage. It takes to much time and it is just not worth it. I am also tired of sitting on my "duff" and watching the world go by and not knowing what to do or say about the craziness infiltrating us all. Where is our filter that "guards or hearts and minds"? Do we fight or accept the words and thoughts as truth? I do not know how to change the hearts and minds of my family - to steer into a course different from others but I want to try to pray that the wind of change from God Almighty will capture us up in a huge blow and carry us into a path where we respect ourselves, others, and God more than anything else we do. My heart is panged every day as I hear the girls hurt each other and hurt me. We should know better. We should know the "truth and let it set us free". However, we seemed caught up in defending "dead man(flesh)" and that keeps us occupied and aware who are what we should really be defending - each other from the enemy - who is out to destroy. Well, I could go on for ever with "What We Believe About Ourselves and Others" but it would get tiresome and discouraging and God knows I want to float on a different course. Well, back to pleading with the captain to lead us into freedom. Signing off.

Saved from the Fringe

I am writing some thoughts about my day as a mom. I homeschool my two daughters and some days it is hard and unmanageable in my own strength - false strength. However, other days, it seems but this is where I need to be. Today was one of those questionable days of unmanaged hormones. I race through the day in my mind wondering what was the point of the day and what did I learn? Or better yet, what did anyone learn? As I write these few thoughts I remember the 3 or 4 times someone in the house had to apologize before "life" could go on. Death was already racing forward but "life" was definitely the needed force. Did I learn from my mistakes - did anyone? Yet, when I saw forgiveness, repentance, and humility race to be first, I am astounded at how wonderful those choices take us back to the center of hope and away from the fringes of fear. Here I am writing these words on my blog when I could have been in despair and guilt. Thanks be to our Father who gifts us with Himself that reminds us who we are and whose we are to complete our day and come to a deeper realization of our need for Him. I have kept from writing on such a blog too long. I only wanted to write when I had something to write. Oh, what a lie I have believed that has kept me from writing and from relating with others. I need you and you need me. Homeschooling or not. We all have a story to tell every day of being saved from the fringe and needing salvation from the fringe.

Building Bridges

Hi! I went to a conference this last week with Alex. It was for people in ministry to urban and rural communities. I visited some of the classes also. The one that intrigued me the most was presented by The Marin Foundation. This is a foundation that is trying to bridge the gap between evangelicals and the GLBT community. Do you know what GLBT stands for? Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender. How is that to catch your interest. I was excited to see someone so willing to get out of his comfort zone and love those we as "Christians" don't know how to love or even spend time with. My heart was touched by his story and his putting himself out there in the middle of it all and helping those who are very angry at the evangelical Christian community. I was somewhat ashamed as I sat there and thought of the many times I just did not understand the choices of others and felt I was better. At the end of the session, the speaker gave the audience a time to ask questions or share. One guy stood up and said, "I came to just see what you had to say. You see, I am a gay Christian." Oh, yeah! He seemed to be in transistion from his former life but he affirmed the speaker and told him to keep building bridges. Needless to say, I exited the room with my heart warmed by someone not bashing each other but affirming and building bridges. Is that are calling? How do we do it? What bridge has he called you to build in your life? Who are you called to affirm? That is all for now.

Can You Hear Me Yet?

Hi! I finally did it! I have made a blog spot for myself. Not sure what I will do with it but occasionally I would like to write down some thoughts for others to see or comment on.



I am in St Louis, MO with my husband, Alex. We are at a CCDA conference - Christian, Community Development Association. Many ministry people are here from the US. They are people in ministry who help the poor understand the love of Jesus. They are interested in how to help the poor in a better way. I am not much of a conference person (maybe because I have been to so many) but have enjoyed watching people and seeing how they respond to what is presented. I ,on the other hand, have been presented with much to ponder. One of the main topics that keeps filtering through my thoughts is "living in community". One of the speakers, Shane Claibourne, talks about his experience with "living in community". Very interesting. Many gracious believers are leaving their comfortable surroundings to immerse themselves in different cultural worlds and "live among them." Wow! Could I do it? Am I suppose to? Am I enough in community where I live(New Life Ranch - camp in OK)?



I see some of this happening and it sounds exciting and adventurous. It sounds like a Jesus thing. I guess I just wanted to write and see what others thought about community. Well, I got to go. I will post more later.